I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize