I got chris browned last night
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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