yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
