dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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