so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
