you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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