was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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