dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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