If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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