end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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