I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
