Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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