: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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