Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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