dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
