my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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