When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You can't just leave with hair like that
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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