Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
