took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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