So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize