I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
