i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you never un-have a 4some
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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