Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
