She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
