woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
