Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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