Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
