Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
