and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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