Umm I'm too high to move.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
