$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
