every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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