You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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