your room smells of hookers.
And success
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
