Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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