Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
