Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
