I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it's like iHOP with fire
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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