I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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