I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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