I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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