I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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