Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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