I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
