just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
