I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
