...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
