i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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