I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
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