is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
