Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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