grandma shit on top of the toilet
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
