I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize