I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
