When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
