i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
