hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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