I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
