I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
