We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
