There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
