Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize