how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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