im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Randomize
