why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
