Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
