I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
