i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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